Author Archives: thespaarrrk

07/09/2011

Only you can relieve your own distress

By thespaarrrk

I am worried about my brother.  He is married to a successful business women who has a very demanding career, and who I suspect is an alcoholic.  They have two primary school-aged daughters, that I am also very concerned about.  It has become obvious to me and to others that their relationship has deteriorated significantly over the last year or two, and I would say that my sister-in-law’s drinking plays a major role in their marital problems.

My brother is a very stoic, introverted man who tends not to be very forthright with his feelings or problems, so you can imagine how difficult it would be for him to discuss problems with his marriage or to seek help or support.  I have tried to bring it up with him a few times, indirectly, by asking how everything is going for him now that his wife’s company is expanding and she is under more pressure with work.  Although he always reassures me that everything is fine, I know my brother well enough to see how unhappy he is, and it hurts me to have to watch him suffering with the burden of trying to maintain appearances and hold it all together.  

Every time I see my brother lately he looks more and more withdrawn and tense.  My sister-in-law’s behavior at family get-togethers is becoming appalling.  She is often drunk or has been drinking when she arrives and almost always causes some sort of scene which I’m sure is very distressing and embarrassing to my brother and his daughters.  I feel out of place to intervene and rescue them, but I feel more and more distressed by what I see that I’m finding it impossible to ignore it or to allow it to continue. As a sister and aunt to my nieces, I feel I have a responsibility to care for their well-being.  What would be the most reasonable thing I can do to improve this situation?

Your concern appears to be reasonable, and your intentions are well-meaning.  Your distress is real to you, and you can’t ignore it.  You also have a right to express it.  The important detail here is the “how” you go about dealing with your own distress, because as painful as it is for you to have to witness, you can do nothing to relieve your brother or niece’s distress or unhappiness.  Only they can do that for themselves.  This may seem heartless and cruel, but anything else is delusional.  You cannot save them if they are not willing to be helped, and you cannot convince anybody that they need your help until they acknowledge and accept that they have a problem.

Having said that, I don’t suggest that you turn your back on your brother and let him sort it out for himself.  You have a right to let your brother know how you feel as a sister and an aunt, and to offer your brother a non-judgmental ear that will be them for him whenever he should need it, and leave it at that.  It is important that this offering be laid, humbly at his feet and not forced aggressively into his hands.  Do not give him an extra weight to carry, or attack him with the blame of your own distress.  You are offering him as safe place to seek refuge and support.  You are not offering him solutions, lectures, or favors. Whatever he chooses to do with this offering is not your responsibility, and if he chooses to leave it there for the time being, then respect that.  He will know that it is there and will seek it when he feels able to.

Be as honest and sincere as possible.  Show him your genuine love and concern, don’t tip-toe around sensitive facts, be direct, and most importantly be patient.  Only you can relieve you own distress.

The Spark

 

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29/08/2011

You Can Only Be The Best Person You Are

By thespaarrrk

I’m not sure it’s advice that I’m after, because I’m not even sure if I have a problem.  Well, at least I don’t think I have a problem.  It’s that some other people seem to have a problem with me.  These other people are family and friends of family who have known me ever since I was a kid.  It does matter to me what they think because they are people who care about me, and I don’t like to let them down.   Their problem is that they think I’m a “loser”.   By their definition this means that I have nothing of “substance” to show for myself because I don’t have a well paid job, I don’t own a house or car or have any financial security.  They think I’m a failure because I dropped out of Uni without finishing my law degree, and have never really made any decent money out of my music and song writing which is my only real passion.  They don’t seem to realize or understand that I chose to do these things, and I’m so glad I did.  They can’t accept that I could possibly be happy without all the things they have worked so hard to gain, and secure and value so highly.  Maybe they feel that without those things that they could never be happy.

I really don’t need any of those things to live a happy, fulfilled, exciting life (even though there are times when not having them is inconvenient).  I honestly feel very happy with what I have and don’t feel unfortunate in any way.  I’m so grateful to be young and healthy and to be able to play and write music and travel and meet lots of amazing people and have so many wonderful friends who appreciate my talents.  This is what is truly important to me.

What upsets me is the thought of being disregarded and misunderstood by my family. It hurts to think that I am an embarrassment to them.  They are good people who I respect and making them proud means a lot to me.  My dad’s health has deteriorated over the last two years, and being his only son, I really don’t want him to thinking that I was a failure.  I love him a lot and can’t bare the thought of never earning his respect.  Please help me to come to terms with this.

If your family are the good people you believe them to be, then surely they are intelligent and sensitive enough to appreciate how important your lifestyle choices and passion for music is to you.  What makes you so sure they think you are a loser or an embarrassment?  How do you know what they are thinking? These are very harsh and unfair judgments to make of someone who has the commitment and courage to follow their heart and respect their talents.  These are admirable qualities.

How do you know that your family doesn’t appreciate you for these things?  Have you ever shared your passion for music with your father?  Do you tell your mother about your travels and the places you’ve been and the people you’ve met?  There could be a part of them that yearns for the adventure and freedom that you have.  I believe that there is a good chance that they do respect you for the choices you make because they know you well enough to see how important they are to you.  Even if they don’t fully understand your choices now, it could be because you have never felt confident enough to share your values with them and show them how much it means to you.

If they are good people, and your passion is genuine, they will understand and love you for it.  If you have tried to do this and they have rejected you for it, then all you can do is forgive them for their ignorance and move on.  As you say, it is their problem, not yours.  You can only be the best person you are, and you need to be the judge or what that is.

Give your family a chance to understand you.  Don’t feel judged or unappreciated.  These states of mind project defensiveness and will block the channels of love, compassion and understanding.  Assume that they respect you and feel proud of your achievements.  Spend some quality time alone with your father.  Get to know and appreciate his passions and let him in on yours. Find a place that you can share with him, where you feel able to be yourself and he is able to empathize, and let him know how you feel.

The Spark

 

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25/08/2011

Use Your Enthusiasm Wisely

By thespaarrrk

I was going to ask you how to lose 10 kilos and keep it off. I would also like to ask you how I could manage to have long term relationships (platonic and business not just romantic). I would also like to know how I could sustain interest in hobbies or work. But I realise that I have one basic problem and that’s what I’d like you to help me fix. I don’t know how to have a balanced life. It is all or nothing. I go through periods of eating what I like and being a slob and then I become obsessed with diets and calories and run marathons to lose the weight, but I am never able to just maintain the weight loss. I love my friends, colleagues and partners so much at first and then suddenly I’m “over” them. I become obsessed with new jobs or other activities for a while (doing nothing else) and then stop doing them completely. I wish I could manage to enjoy people, interests, food and exercise without going overboard. Please help me.

You have a lot of enthusiasm for “new” things, which is great.  There is nothing wrong with enthusiasm.  It is a wonderful stimulant, motivator and activator.  The secret with enthusiasm is how to make it last, or how not to use it all up at once, and then lose interest completely in the trigger that caused the enthusiasm in the first place.  It’s important for you to understand that none of these new interests, goals, people or pleasures are the cause of your “going overboard”.  They are only ever just the current focus, or the outlet for your enthusiastic bursts. The only way to regain any kind of control over the pressure of your tap is first by being aware, and then by choosing to moderate your responses.

You need to watch your reactions.  Be aware of the feelings these external stimulants arouse in you and watch how you react to those feelings. As you notice the first little bursts of energy, feel yourself getting carried away and visualize your internal enthusiasm-o-meter rising fast.  Feel yourself getting caught up in the momentum as your enthusiasm and need for immediate action takes hold. At the same time as your enthusiasm-o-meter races towards the “red zone”, visualize your energy levels dropping fast, (like the mercury in a thermometer), as you head towards the “burn-out zone”.

This process may accumulate over several days or weeks and may not be obvious at first.  The increases in enthusiasm may be slow or fluctuating, but just notice the changes you are feeling in mood and any changes in your behavior.   At first just watch it. Don’t try to change it, just let it run its course and be the witness to your own crash and burn.

Next time, watch it again as it begins, takes hold and heads towards the “crash zone”.  Notice the point at which you feel you are no longer in control and that you are running on impulsive, automatic need, as opposed to steady, calm, clear-headed decision making. Do regular spot-checks. Ask yourself “Am I getting carried away?” “Are my expectations of this solution/person/my own ability  unrealistic?” “Will I be able to sustain this momentum?” If you notice you are no longer asking yourself this regularly, there is a good chance you have stopped being aware and are no longer in control.  Notice this too. Identify the point where you stop making rational decisions and begin to act on impulse.

Watch very closely how your behavior changes past this point. What are the common sign posts? Is this a familiar path? Where does it lead?  Over time you will see the pattern repeating as it begins and you will get to know “the warning signs”.

Remember to monitor your enthusiasm-o-meter and energy thermometer when you notice these first warning signs and then try to moderate your enthusiasm output and energy consumption to maintain yourself within the “safe zone” or at a speed you can maintain and feel comfortable in.  The ideal efficient zone for optimum performance is a smooth cruising speed.  Decide where that is for you, and make this your goal. You may not be able to control the conditions of the road or the impact of the obstacles, but you can control your speed and your corrective responses.

Don’t be too hard on yourself whenever you notice that you are “doing it again”. So many people do it.  Humans are real suckers for novelty, and not so good at long-term commitment.  It’s normal, in varying degrees, but in your case it may be a bit more extreme.

Use your enthusiasm wisely.  It is a useful tool, but save it for when you really need it.

The Spark

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17/08/2011

You Are Your Best Quality

By thespaarrrk

I find it very difficult to relax and enjoy myself in social situations.  My friends are always inviting me to parties, although I suspect this is only because they feel sorry for me,  and every Friday afternoon I dread the inevitable invitation to “drinks” after work.  I don’t even like drinking alcohol!

Every time I make an excuse for not attending a party or get-together I go home feeling ashamed and left-out.  If I feel I can’t get out of an invitation and I do end up attending a party, I almost always spend the whole night having painfully put-on conversations with people who try to get away from me as soon as it is polite to do so, or I stand in the wrong place, getting in people’s way, feeling awkward.  I can’t even pluck up the courage to thank the host and say my goodbyes when I’ve had enough, so I either sneak off when no one’s looking, or have to stick it out until lots of other people start leaving, so that I don’t draw attention to myself. 

At work, or with one or two close friends I feel very comfortable and confident being organised and busy.  I enjoy interacting in these situations and believe that I am a good worker and a helpful friend. But in social situations, I feel like I have nothing to offer.  I watch other confident girls who can dance and make people laugh, and always seem to know how to say the right things. Compared to them I feel old, and frumpy and useless.

I’m 28 and don’t have a boyfriend, or even anyone who seems to be interested in me.  I fear becoming an old maid who stays at home and never has any fun.  I truly do want to find a sould mate and fall in love, but how will I ever meet anybody who will love me like this? 

Do you really believe that anybody else in these social situations is scrutinizing or criticizing you as harshly as you are judging yourself?  I would say that they are probably far too busy trying to impress each other with their stories and jokes, and trying to keep up appearances to notice anybody else’s discomfort or awkwardness. Don’t be fooled by confidence.  Most of it is just well-rehearsed bravado that people use to cover up their own insecurities.  Have a look at all the people who need to drink or consume drugs in order to enjoy themselves in social situations. Or all the comfortable couples you see at parties.  Or the ones who play music or dance or eat…  These are all coping mechanisms that people use to avoid feeling left out, inadequate or exposed when they are in a situation without any obvious task to perform except to enjoy one another’s company.  This in itself, for a lot of people, can be extremely difficult, tiresome or frightening.  They way you feel is perfectly normal.  Most people would feel exactly the same way if it weren’t for these ‘props’.

The fact that you have the courage to attend a party at all without drinking, without putting on an act or without a partner to hang off, is a very admirable thing in itself.  Your honesty is much more than a lot of people can offer to these situations. Why do you need to offer anything more than your honest presence anyway?  Imagine how much you would appreciate meeting and talking to someone just like you at one of these intimidating parties.  How refreshing it would be to find someone who is real and sincere and not pretending to be anything more than that!  The person who will love you will recognise this and will notice you because of it.

I don’t suggest that you make yourself attend all of the painful parties or get-togethers that you are invited to.  Only go to the ones you genuinely do think you would enjoy, and leave whenever you want to. You are not under any obligation to stay if you are not enjoying yourself.  You don’t need an excuse to leave.  Be gracious and say goodbye confidently.  Be aware of what you are projecting.  People who shrink or apologise are often seen as victims or get-in-the-ways.  You have no need to behave in this way, and if you do, it’s only because you automatically choose to do so.

Remember that when you go to a party or “drinks” with colleagues, you are doing so because it’s an opportunity to relax, enjoy yourself, and enjoy other people’s company. You don’t need to provide anything more than your presence and you don’t need to achieve anything at all.  Even if you don’t enjoy yourself, just observe it and accept it.  Move on.  Treat every occasion as an entertaining experiment that you participate in, rather than a test that you will either pass or fail.  You don’t need to hide or be ashamed of yourself.  You are your best quality!

The Spark

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07/08/2011

Stop Tormenting Yourself

By thespaarrrk

I’m  going insane over a girl who only wants to be friends with me.  We spend a lot of time together and she shares her insecurities with me. I feel that I know her better than the men she chases who don’t seem to care much about her and usually end up hurting her.  I think she knows that I secretly love her, but I don’t think she knows how much it hurts me to have to hear about all her heartache over other men.  Why can’t she appreciate how much love and care and affection I can give her and how happy we could be together?  What can I do to make her love me?

Why do you need to make her love you?  Is it about you wanting to possess her?  To protect her?  Do you desire to get back the affection and love you feel for her? Or do you just want to have sex with her and become another of the men she chases and then discards when they disappoint her?  What is wrong with being her loyal friend whom she trusts and respects and depends on?  Can’t you see how much she already does love you?  How much she values your company?  How open and honest and close your friendship is? Be grateful for that.  You are a steady part of her life which she values and does appreciate. Surely that is worth more to her than what she feels for these other men who can never give her what you do?

Having said that, I can understand how painful it must be for you to have to witness the emotional turmoil she creates for herself with other, less sympathetic men, and how she then shares this with you. I see this as being harmful to both of you, and as much as you feel the need to help her through her pain or protect her from getting hurt, you can only really take care of yourself and your own feelings.  How much of her emotional pain is your friendship based on? Do you think you may be playing an enabling role in her unhealthy relationships with men by continuing to pick her up and make her feel better again?  You are giving her problems attention and reacting in a reassuring manner.  This may be part of the recognition she craves from these other unhealthy relationships, but you are giving it to her for the wrong reasons.  What if you were to stop being the shoulder she cries on and started being a proactive friend who allows her to feel her own pain and grow from it? Remind her that she is more than her problems. Encourage her to make the most of her skills and talents. That is what a true, respectful friend would do.  It may seem tough and insensitive at first, but she will appreciate and respect you for it in the long run.  If she stops seeking you out for comfort and your friendship dwindles as a result, then acknowledge that your friendship was maybe not as solid as you thought it was.  Maybe it is just based on her problems and your addiction to her insecurity.

You will never cause her to love you, no matter how much love and care and attention you give her.  If she ever does fall in love with you it will be completely of her own doing and it will be because she desires and respects you for the person you are.  Not for how much love you can give her. Stop tormenting yourself and give your own feelings more respect.

The Spark

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02/08/2011

The Emotional Blur

By thespaarrrk

I’ve noticed that lately that I tend to give family and friends advice when they are worried or upset about something. Most often my advice seems to ease people’s worries or give hope, so I feel as though it is appreciated.  I get a sense of satisfaction from this, but it has occurred to me that if I were to find myself in a similar situation, I would probably not take my own advice.  I feel like a hypocrite and wonder if I should stop telling people what to do and not get involved in their problems.  What do you think?

It sounds like the people close to you trust you enough with their problems to share them with you.  It also sounds like they appreciate the advice you offer them, and perhaps come to you because they value your opinion.  If, on the other hand, you were imposing your uninvited opinions and judgements on people in the disguise of friendly advice, then I would say to you that maybe, yes, you would be better off keeping your nose out of other people’s business and keeping your opinions to yourself.  But I don’t get the feeling that this is the case with you.  I would assume that the advice you offer is sensible and compassionate, and if this is the case, then your concern for other people’s welfare is commendable.

I can understand though, how useless it may feel to you if you don’t believe in your own advice enough to put it into practice for yourself.  This disability is common for lots of people, and it’s a well-known fact that it’s usually easier to give advice than to take it.  The reason that it is so easy for you to give practical, inspired advice to others is that you have less of an emotional blur in the way to prevent you from seeing simple truths that are less obvious to those affected by their circumstances.

May I suggest to you an exercise which could be useful to you when making difficult decisions:

Notice that there is a gap between perceiving/understanding a situation/problem and then you taking action to correct it.

At that point, stop yourself if you can, and observe your impulsive need to fix it, based on your emotional response to the situation.

Imagine that you are watching another person, maybe another family member (not you), in the same situation that you are in and ask yourself what advice you would give to them at that moment.

Remind yourself that you have a choice of how to react and that you don’t need to automatically choose the response that feels most familiar or satisfying.

You may choose to trust the most familiar emotional response and go against the advice you imagined for yourself. If this is the case, it’s fine.  Do what feels right, but observe what you are doing, and remind yourself that you are acting on emotional responses, not logical conclusions based on simple truths.

With practice, the process of separating yourself from the emotional attachment to decision making will become more and more familiar. Eventually you may even find that taking the rational, sensible advice that you give to others becomes the more natural choice for yourself.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong choice in any situation, just more or less chance of favourable outcomes or unpleasant consequences, plus the infinite variety of possibilities in between. In most cases the particular action itself is less important than the intention that goes into it. Be mindful of what motivates you and remember that you always have a choice.

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27/07/2011

Your number one responsibility is to yourself…

By thespaarrrk

I feel like my life is slipping away from me without letting me achieve any of the things I really want to do. Every year that passes I feel older, but don’t feel that I have progressed in any way. I am so busy all the time, but don’t have much to show for it.  Is it unrealistic for me to have dreams and ambition? Maybe this is all I am capable of.  Is this really all my life will ever be?

How satisfied are you with what you have achieved in your life? You may not have conquered the great heights you dream of, but you may have established close family ties, lasting quality relationships and inspired the lives of others through your generosity, compassion and wisdom.  If you have achieved any or all of these things, there is no need for you to feel unaccomplished.  Many people never succeed in achieving any of these things.  Having said that, there is no need for you to compare your achievements to those of others either.  All that matters is how happy your achievements make you feel.  If you are happy with what you have achieved, then that is enough.  Continue to enjoy the happiness you gain from doing these things.

If you feel unsatisfied, then maybe you need to re-prioritise what’s important to you and focus your integrity on living the ideal, or realizing the dream.  Your life is not something that you will get around to living when all the other little distractions are taken care of.  Your life is right now!  And now is the time to do all those things that are truly important to you.  I don’t mean that you need to stop completely everything you are doing now and jump into some momentous challenges.  This sort of rash action may be too abrupt or forced and you will be unlikely to succeed in living out your expectations. Trying, and then feeling as though you have failed, will be an even more detrimental step towards achieving your goals.  A more gentle approach is required.

Give yourself permission to succeed and to be all the things you have ever wanted to be.  Then, believe that you can be.  Hold that image in your mind.  That is the true you.

Recognise the obstacles, excuses and disabilities you cling to, that prevent you from being the true you.  Realize that none of these things are you and that they are burdens that you choose to carry with you.

Open your eyes wider to all the possibilities everyday presents to you, and turn down the volume on all the reasons why not to act on the opportunities you receive that will bring you closer to being the true you, or achieving what it is you truly want to achieve.

Don’t deny yourself these things.  Your number one responsibility is to yourself.

The Spark

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19/06/2011

Don’t Waste This Moment (advice from The Spark)

By thespaarrrk

I am unhappy because no matter how hard I work I can’t have the life I want. My husband and I both have good jobs but struggle to pay our mortgage, bills and school fees and barely scrape together enough for our annual holidays. Everyone else we went to school and uni with seems to be doing better than us. I am ashamed of our out of date furniture and our kitchen, which hasn’t been renovated for nearly 15 years! My husband feels inadequate when our friends buy investment properties and better stuff than us and now because of our feelings of inadequacy the spark has gone from our relationship. What can I do?

If there is one thing that Human Beings are particularly good at it is complicating things. HB’s are so good at focusing on their discontent and attending to their addictions that the majority of them, generally, have no idea or interest in recognising anything more than that.

This is easy for me to say, I know, I’m just a spark. My primary purpose is to observe and inspire. It’s not tangibly possible for me, nor would I care to get caught up in all the nitty gritty of everyday physical living. Lucky for me. But even if I did have a physical body to care for and maintain and emotional attachments to other physical beings or sensations, I don’t see the need for all the compulsive fussing and rushing around that humans put themselves through. You really do resemble a swarm of hungry ants, racing around in circles without any kind of collective consciousness to hold it all together. Is it really that much of an effort to stay alive?

Believe me lady, from where I am your worries could be whipped away in the breath of a passing thought. Truly, you carry so much imaginary weight needlessly. You have more than enough food, warmth and shelter to sustain your family’s needs (and those of three other families). Not to mention all the additional space, padding and armour that you surround yourself with. What’s it all for?! If right now you lost all your material possessions and the only things you were left with were your health, love from your family and the charity of friends to keep you and your family warm, sheltered and fed, would you be any less of a person? Would you feel any less alive than you do now? Would it really matter?

You don’t need to spend a cent more on time saving devices, pampering activities or expensive luxury holidays to get a break from your hassles and reignite the spark in your relationship. Nor do you need to give up what you are doing or go without. In fact you don’t need to physically change a thing in your present situation before you can enjoy your life. All you need to do is to value what you do have already and give yourself permission to enjoy those things.

Nothing is really more important than the way you are feeling right now. Discover what you have in this moment that makes you feel good and savour those things. Let go of anything that is worrying you unnecessarily in this moment and appreciate all the things that add beauty, fascination, inspiration, love and comedy to your life. Stop looking for happiness and recognition in the future and smile with what you are right now. Don’t waste this moment, it’s all you will ever have.

The Spark

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