Stop Tormenting Yourself

I’m  going insane over a girl who only wants to be friends with me.  We spend a lot of time together and she shares her insecurities with me. I feel that I know her better than the men she chases who don’t seem to care much about her and usually end up hurting her.  I think she knows that I secretly love her, but I don’t think she knows how much it hurts me to have to hear about all her heartache over other men.  Why can’t she appreciate how much love and care and affection I can give her and how happy we could be together?  What can I do to make her love me?

Why do you need to make her love you?  Is it about you wanting to possess her?  To protect her?  Do you desire to get back the affection and love you feel for her? Or do you just want to have sex with her and become another of the men she chases and then discards when they disappoint her?  What is wrong with being her loyal friend whom she trusts and respects and depends on?  Can’t you see how much she already does love you?  How much she values your company?  How open and honest and close your friendship is? Be grateful for that.  You are a steady part of her life which she values and does appreciate. Surely that is worth more to her than what she feels for these other men who can never give her what you do?

Having said that, I can understand how painful it must be for you to have to witness the emotional turmoil she creates for herself with other, less sympathetic men, and how she then shares this with you. I see this as being harmful to both of you, and as much as you feel the need to help her through her pain or protect her from getting hurt, you can only really take care of yourself and your own feelings.  How much of her emotional pain is your friendship based on? Do you think you may be playing an enabling role in her unhealthy relationships with men by continuing to pick her up and make her feel better again?  You are giving her problems attention and reacting in a reassuring manner.  This may be part of the recognition she craves from these other unhealthy relationships, but you are giving it to her for the wrong reasons.  What if you were to stop being the shoulder she cries on and started being a proactive friend who allows her to feel her own pain and grow from it? Remind her that she is more than her problems. Encourage her to make the most of her skills and talents. That is what a true, respectful friend would do.  It may seem tough and insensitive at first, but she will appreciate and respect you for it in the long run.  If she stops seeking you out for comfort and your friendship dwindles as a result, then acknowledge that your friendship was maybe not as solid as you thought it was.  Maybe it is just based on her problems and your addiction to her insecurity.

You will never cause her to love you, no matter how much love and care and attention you give her.  If she ever does fall in love with you it will be completely of her own doing and it will be because she desires and respects you for the person you are.  Not for how much love you can give her. Stop tormenting yourself and give your own feelings more respect.

The Spark

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