Tag Archives: The Inkling

29/08/2011

You Can Only Be The Best Person You Are

By thespaarrrk

I’m not sure it’s advice that I’m after, because I’m not even sure if I have a problem.  Well, at least I don’t think I have a problem.  It’s that some other people seem to have a problem with me.  These other people are family and friends of family who have known me ever since I was a kid.  It does matter to me what they think because they are people who care about me, and I don’t like to let them down.   Their problem is that they think I’m a “loser”.   By their definition this means that I have nothing of “substance” to show for myself because I don’t have a well paid job, I don’t own a house or car or have any financial security.  They think I’m a failure because I dropped out of Uni without finishing my law degree, and have never really made any decent money out of my music and song writing which is my only real passion.  They don’t seem to realize or understand that I chose to do these things, and I’m so glad I did.  They can’t accept that I could possibly be happy without all the things they have worked so hard to gain, and secure and value so highly.  Maybe they feel that without those things that they could never be happy.

I really don’t need any of those things to live a happy, fulfilled, exciting life (even though there are times when not having them is inconvenient).  I honestly feel very happy with what I have and don’t feel unfortunate in any way.  I’m so grateful to be young and healthy and to be able to play and write music and travel and meet lots of amazing people and have so many wonderful friends who appreciate my talents.  This is what is truly important to me.

What upsets me is the thought of being disregarded and misunderstood by my family. It hurts to think that I am an embarrassment to them.  They are good people who I respect and making them proud means a lot to me.  My dad’s health has deteriorated over the last two years, and being his only son, I really don’t want him to thinking that I was a failure.  I love him a lot and can’t bare the thought of never earning his respect.  Please help me to come to terms with this.

If your family are the good people you believe them to be, then surely they are intelligent and sensitive enough to appreciate how important your lifestyle choices and passion for music is to you.  What makes you so sure they think you are a loser or an embarrassment?  How do you know what they are thinking? These are very harsh and unfair judgments to make of someone who has the commitment and courage to follow their heart and respect their talents.  These are admirable qualities.

How do you know that your family doesn’t appreciate you for these things?  Have you ever shared your passion for music with your father?  Do you tell your mother about your travels and the places you’ve been and the people you’ve met?  There could be a part of them that yearns for the adventure and freedom that you have.  I believe that there is a good chance that they do respect you for the choices you make because they know you well enough to see how important they are to you.  Even if they don’t fully understand your choices now, it could be because you have never felt confident enough to share your values with them and show them how much it means to you.

If they are good people, and your passion is genuine, they will understand and love you for it.  If you have tried to do this and they have rejected you for it, then all you can do is forgive them for their ignorance and move on.  As you say, it is their problem, not yours.  You can only be the best person you are, and you need to be the judge or what that is.

Give your family a chance to understand you.  Don’t feel judged or unappreciated.  These states of mind project defensiveness and will block the channels of love, compassion and understanding.  Assume that they respect you and feel proud of your achievements.  Spend some quality time alone with your father.  Get to know and appreciate his passions and let him in on yours. Find a place that you can share with him, where you feel able to be yourself and he is able to empathize, and let him know how you feel.

The Spark

 

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25/08/2011

The Inklings: Chapter 9

By Anna

Syafika woke up early and spent an hour trying to decide whether she should call Fanta or not. She wanted to tell her about what had happened last night, but to properly explain she would have to tell Fanta how she’d made up the story about Vincent. In the end Syafika decided she would call Fanta. She needed to tell someone and she didn’t have anyone else who would listen, except her Mum. Rose would listen attentively to any of Syafika’s stories about men because she was keen to marry her off, but Syafika wasn’t ready to cope with that amount of attention from her mother so early in the morning.

Fanta didn’t answer the phone. Syafika wasn’t prepared for Fanta not being available – she needed her! So when Syafika got to Fanta’s answering machine the only message she could manage to leave was a kind of wailing sound. Syafika hopped back in bed and was trying to go back to sleep when she heard the doorbell ring. Then she heard the voices of her Aunt Binta and Ousman.

“Noooo!” said Syafika. “I can’t cope with them right now!”

A couple of minutes later there was a soft knock on Syafika’s bedroom door and Ousman said “Syafika? Are you awake?”

“Ohhh. I hate him!” said Syafika under her breath as she got out of bed, pushed it in front of the door and started getting dressed. Ousman started turning the door handle and rattling the door.

“Syafika?” said Ousman. “Can I please talk to you?”

“Go away” said Syafika

There was a sighing sound and then silence. “That’s strange” thought Syafika. She was in a hurry to see whether Ousman really had gone away or was just tricking her. She put her hair up in a clip without brushing it, moved the bed away from the door and looked out. Ousman really wasn’t there. She could hear Rose and her Mum in the kitchen so she went there.

Ousman was sitting silently at the kitchen table, with his head hung. Syafika had to check twice to make sure that he wasn’t reading something, but he really was just sitting there doing nothing.

Rose was pretending to listen to Binta while really giving her attention to choosing which tea to put in the pot. There were several tea canisters in the cupboard, all identical and all contained a different kind of tea. Of course there were no labels to let you know what was in each canister. You had to open them and sniff the contents to find out. “Mmmmm….. really?” said Rose, but what she was thinking was “Good – French Earl Grey. I never get sick of that smell”. She started scooping tea leaves into a large pot.

“You don’t sound very concerned!” complained Binta.

“Well…“ said Rose, struggling to think of something suitable to say “It wasn’t that bad was it?”

“Rose! He is only ten and he is already skipping school. At least Amanda waited until she was fourteen!” exclaimed Binta.

“Ousman always has been precocious” said Syafika. She knew it was a nasty thing to say but she couldn’t help it. She found it amusing that Ousman had done something naughty. Usually it was her or Amanda that was the bad one and in those instances Aunt Binta seemed to relish having a better behaved, smarter child. Binta had made Ousman her project. She began teaching him to read when he was only two years old and at age three he was learning algebra. When he did something well Binta felt she deserved some of the credit. Syafika thought that Binta should also take some of the blame when Ousman wasn’t good.

“Why did you wag school?” Syafika asked Ousman

“I wasn’t hanging out at the shops or something. I was at uni” complained Ousman

“What were you doing at uni?” asked Syafika, although she expected she wouldn’t like to hear the answer.

“I was at a maths lecture” said Ousman

“I knew it!” thought Syafika “I knew he’d have been doing something that would make me hate him more”. She couldn’t help shaking her head and Ousman noticed

“What?” asked Ousman “Don’t you believe me? The lecturer said I could sit in on the lectures and even go to the tutorials.” He looked at Syafika as he said this and she could see that he’d been crying.

“Ousman! Why didn’t you tell me this?” asked Binta. “Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted to go to maths lectures? Why didn’t you tell your teacher?”

“I don’t know” said Ousman, hanging his head again briefly and then looking at his watch. “Aunt Rose, may I please watch the 9 am news on TV?” he asked.

“Ok” said Rose and Ousman ran off to the lounge room.

Rose gave Syafika two cups of tea and asked her to go and make sure Ousman was ok. Syafika did as her mother asked, without complaining. For the first time ever she felt sorry for Ousman. It was the way he had looked at her with those red-rimmed eyes that had made her feel that way. Syafika was surprised with herself. She rarely felt pity for anyone, let alone someone she didn’t like.

Ousman was sitting in front of the TV. There was a story on about some crisis somewhere. There was talk of massacres and rapes and lots of refugees. Ousman was struggling to watch through tears, wiping his eyes on his sleeves and sniffling. If she hadn’t suspected that Ousman was probably just crying because he didn’t like his Mum being angry with him she would have thought he really felt sympathy for the people he was seeing on TV, although Syafika doubted that Ousman understood the news he loved to follow. How could a ten year old understand what was going on in the world when most adults didn’t?

Syafika discreetly put down Ousman’s cup of tea on the coffee table and took a sip of hers. She was wondering whether she should leave him alone when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it” said Syafika. Her heart was fluttering as she rushed to the front door, but it was just Fanta.

Straight away Syafika forgot about Ousman and remembered herself. “Guess what happened to me last night!” she said to Fanta.

“What?” asked Fanta.

“Well, it’s a long story. Let’s go to my room” said Syafika.

“Ok” said Syafika, as she closed her bedroom door. “First I have to tell you something that will make you angry, but then I’ll get to the good part” and Syafika confessed to Fanta about having made up stories about having a boyfriend called Vincent and then pretending she had  broken up with Vincent to cover her distress at Anthony leaving.

“You idiot!” said Fanta. “You expected Anthony to get down on his knee and tell you he loved you when you had been telling people that you already had a boyfriend!”

“I didn’t tell Anthony that, just a couple of my friends! They probably didn’t tell him anything about me” said Syafika, but she didn’t sound very convinced. She hadn’t thought about that before. She just assumed that Anthony would know they were meant to be together.

“So what happened next then?” said Fanta angrily. She wanted to get to the “good” part because she hoped that would make her less angry.

“Don’t be angry!” said Syafika. “I knew you would be angry, and that’s why I’ve had to keep this to myself for so long. You are so judgmental. That makes my life hard sometimes. You are supposed to have sympathy for me because nobody else would” said Syafika. She was sounding close to crying and so Fanta stopped being so angry.

“Ha ha ha” said Fanta.

“What?” asked Syafika. She was annoyed – she hated being laughed at.

“Well, I was thinking that if you had to make up a boyfriend, I didn’t think you’d create an accountant called Vincent. Why didn’t you tell your work friends you had a boyfriend called Fabio who was a model?” said Fanta.

“Yeah, yeah” said Syafika. “Next time I tell lies I’ll think them through more carefully first. Perhaps you can help me.”

“Or, you could tell the truth!” said Fanta

“Anyway…” said Syafika and she continued telling her story. Syafika told Fanta about the night before and how she had become separated from her friends.

“Did they come back?” asked Fanta

“No, thank goodness!” said Syafika

“Why?” asked Fanta

“Can’t you guess?” said Syafika

“Because you liked talking to the stranger too much?” asked Fanta

“No, well yes, but also because of his name. Guess what his name was?” said Syafika

“Ha ha. Not Vincent?” said Fanta

“Yes!” said Syafika.

When Fanta stopped laughing she asked “So what are you going to tell your friends at work now? That you met another Vincent, or that you got back together?”

“I don’t know!” said Syafika. “I hadn’t thought about that yet.”

“Hey, what happened with this Vincent? Any kisses?” said Fanta.

“Maybe” said Syafika

“Really?” said Fanta.

“Just one” said Syafika. Her face had gone red.

“So what happens now? Have you arranged to see each other again? When can I meet him?” asked Fanta

“We are going to see a movie today” said Syafika. “I don’t think I should introduce him to my friends yet. Isn’t that a bit soon?” asked Syafika

“What movie are you going to?” asked Ousman as he burst into the room.

“Ousman! Have you been eavesdropping outside my door?” asked Syafika. She was furious. “Get out!”

“I just wanted to say hello to Fanta before I left. Mum says we are going home now” said Ousman

“Didn’t you hear what I said?” said Syafika and she pushed Ousman out of the door.

“You should be nicer to him” Fanta told Syafika. “He just wants to be your friend”

“That’s too bad. I don’t want to be his friend. He is so rude and annoying” said Syafika

“He’s only ten” said Fanta. “I don’t think he has many friends. I bet he thinks a lot of you”

“How would you know?” said Syafika. “You’ve only seen him a few times. You don’t know what it is like to have to compete with him”

“I guess not” answered Fanta, sounding a bit bored. “Anyway, when you meet Vincent today can I follow you from a distance so I get to see him?”

“Sure, and why don’t you bring Ousman along too” said Syafika, shaking her head.

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25/08/2011

Use Your Enthusiasm Wisely

By thespaarrrk

I was going to ask you how to lose 10 kilos and keep it off. I would also like to ask you how I could manage to have long term relationships (platonic and business not just romantic). I would also like to know how I could sustain interest in hobbies or work. But I realise that I have one basic problem and that’s what I’d like you to help me fix. I don’t know how to have a balanced life. It is all or nothing. I go through periods of eating what I like and being a slob and then I become obsessed with diets and calories and run marathons to lose the weight, but I am never able to just maintain the weight loss. I love my friends, colleagues and partners so much at first and then suddenly I’m “over” them. I become obsessed with new jobs or other activities for a while (doing nothing else) and then stop doing them completely. I wish I could manage to enjoy people, interests, food and exercise without going overboard. Please help me.

You have a lot of enthusiasm for “new” things, which is great.  There is nothing wrong with enthusiasm.  It is a wonderful stimulant, motivator and activator.  The secret with enthusiasm is how to make it last, or how not to use it all up at once, and then lose interest completely in the trigger that caused the enthusiasm in the first place.  It’s important for you to understand that none of these new interests, goals, people or pleasures are the cause of your “going overboard”.  They are only ever just the current focus, or the outlet for your enthusiastic bursts. The only way to regain any kind of control over the pressure of your tap is first by being aware, and then by choosing to moderate your responses.

You need to watch your reactions.  Be aware of the feelings these external stimulants arouse in you and watch how you react to those feelings. As you notice the first little bursts of energy, feel yourself getting carried away and visualize your internal enthusiasm-o-meter rising fast.  Feel yourself getting caught up in the momentum as your enthusiasm and need for immediate action takes hold. At the same time as your enthusiasm-o-meter races towards the “red zone”, visualize your energy levels dropping fast, (like the mercury in a thermometer), as you head towards the “burn-out zone”.

This process may accumulate over several days or weeks and may not be obvious at first.  The increases in enthusiasm may be slow or fluctuating, but just notice the changes you are feeling in mood and any changes in your behavior.   At first just watch it. Don’t try to change it, just let it run its course and be the witness to your own crash and burn.

Next time, watch it again as it begins, takes hold and heads towards the “crash zone”.  Notice the point at which you feel you are no longer in control and that you are running on impulsive, automatic need, as opposed to steady, calm, clear-headed decision making. Do regular spot-checks. Ask yourself “Am I getting carried away?” “Are my expectations of this solution/person/my own ability  unrealistic?” “Will I be able to sustain this momentum?” If you notice you are no longer asking yourself this regularly, there is a good chance you have stopped being aware and are no longer in control.  Notice this too. Identify the point where you stop making rational decisions and begin to act on impulse.

Watch very closely how your behavior changes past this point. What are the common sign posts? Is this a familiar path? Where does it lead?  Over time you will see the pattern repeating as it begins and you will get to know “the warning signs”.

Remember to monitor your enthusiasm-o-meter and energy thermometer when you notice these first warning signs and then try to moderate your enthusiasm output and energy consumption to maintain yourself within the “safe zone” or at a speed you can maintain and feel comfortable in.  The ideal efficient zone for optimum performance is a smooth cruising speed.  Decide where that is for you, and make this your goal. You may not be able to control the conditions of the road or the impact of the obstacles, but you can control your speed and your corrective responses.

Don’t be too hard on yourself whenever you notice that you are “doing it again”. So many people do it.  Humans are real suckers for novelty, and not so good at long-term commitment.  It’s normal, in varying degrees, but in your case it may be a bit more extreme.

Use your enthusiasm wisely.  It is a useful tool, but save it for when you really need it.

The Spark

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18/08/2011

The Inklings: Chapter 8

By Anna

As much as D’arby respected maths, he had to admit that sometimes one plus one did not equal two. He and John were one example.

D’arby always had ideas, but rarely bothered to do much with them. John was always wanting to do something but never knowing what to do. John was amazed with the things D’arby said. D’arby was amazed with the things John did. The things D’arby said triggered John to act and the things that John did made D’arby think and say more. They were like a runaway reaction.

John insisted that now that D’arby had developed his special pills and done some testing (on him and John) it was time for him to use them for something good. D’arby had been thinking of finding a job where he could continue this research. He hoped to start real trials and eventually (maybe in 15 years) his new cure for addiction would be manufactured legally by some big drug company and sold in chemists. However, this plan was full of obstacles. First D’arby would have to finish his PhD and then the examiners would have to pass him. Then he would have to find a suitable research position, then he’d have to find funding for his project and only then would the real work start! And what if after all that the pills didn’t really work or made people sick? Why was it that such a huge discovery could make D’arby’s life so much harder?

John laughed at D’arby’s idea for the pills and came up with a much simpler plan, a plan that would get results faster, but was probably not a good idea in the long term. John’s father owned a pizza restaurant, and John had recently been walking past it in the hope of bumping into his Dad. While doing this he had noticed that there was an ad in the window for a manager. John hoped that now he wasn’t using drugs anymore his father might be convinced to let him run the pizza restaurant. Then John would just add the pills to the pizza dough (they were fizzy so they might help make the dough rise). Then anyone who bought pizza would have all their addictions cured. John and D’arby could watch what happened and wouldn’t have to tell anyone anything. They could also make their living this way, as long as the pizza was nice enough for people to want to buy it. John reckoned that the hardest part of his plan would be convincing his father to let him have the restaurant. Then the second hardest part would be running the restaurant. Making the special ingredient would be easy because D’arby knew how. D’arby could have a special lab at the back of the restaurant. The pills were mostly made of really common things and needed only a couple of chemicals that you couldn’t easily buy. D’arby had already mentioned that he had enough of the hard-to-get chemicals left over from his legitimate experiments to make millions of the pills. John didn’t think it would be too hard for D’arby to sneak these chemicals home – they’d probably only be thrown out after D’arby left uni anyway.

At first, D’arby was horrified by John’s idea. It was a week since they’d first met. John was still off the drugs and not even tempted to go back. D’arby expected that John wouldn’t need a second dose. The pills were meant to work on the brain in a permanent way and D’arby couldn’t see how the change could be reversed, but he wanted to wait and see a bit longer until he was completely satisfied of that. D’arby wished he’d known John better before he’d taken the pills so he could see if there had been any other changes. He was particularly interested to know if John would have made such ridiculous suggestions before, because D’arby was worried that since he had also taken the pills he might also start thinking that it was a good idea to lace pizza with the special ingredient. D’arby worried about this because, despite his initial horror, after considering John’s plan for a couple of hours, D’arby had begun to find certain aspects of the plan appealing. Managing a restaurant would solve their money problems. John had moved in with D’arby but the rent would soon be due and D’arby didn’t have any money left. The other thing that appealed to D’arby was being able to set up his own lab. It was hard to make his pills at uni. People were so nosy. He had to be very careful not to leave anything lying around that might lead the other people working in the lab to ask questions about what he was doing. It was getting particularly difficult now that his official experiments were finished. D’arby was supposed to be spending all his time working at his computer now, not down in the lab.

So, D’arby ended up agreeing with John that they should at least try to get John’s father to let them run the pizza restaurant. Then when they had some money they could decide what to do next. Putting his special pills in the pizzas was still horrific to D’arby. That was a very unethical thing to do and not very scientific either. How would they even know if anyone was cured? They wouldn’t be able to give the customers questionnaires to fill out before and after.

So John called his father, but not before he got his sister Emily to mention to his parents that John wasn’t a drug addict anymore. Perhaps it would have been better if Emily had really believed this first. She had only seen John once since he’d taken the special pills, and although John did seem different, it was not enough to convince Emily. She was worried that John was just playing a trick on her and her parents in order to get some money out of them, although she couldn’t really see how running a pizza restaurant would get John money in a way that was quick enough to satisfy a drug craving.

“Hello Dad!” said John

“What do you want?” asked his father.

“I want to be the manager of your pizza place” said John

“No way!” said John’s father

“But I need a job!” whined John. “Nobody else will give me one and I need something to do all day, otherwise I’ll end up in trouble again.”

“That’s your problem!” said John’s father. “Don’t try to make me feel guilty. I’ve tried to help you many times and each time you just used me. I’ve given up trying to help you now.”

John knew his father hadn’t given up yet though, because his father would have hung up by now if it was true.

“Just give me one month! Let me show you? Please?” said John.

There was a long pause. Just when John was starting to think his father had walked away from the phone he said “Ok then. One month. If profits are up after a month you can stay.”

“Woo hoo!” said John after he hung up the phone. Then he did a victory lap of the flat and wondered whether D’arby would mind that they started work tomorrow. It was meant to be John’s job, but he needed D’arby’s help to get him organized. Once they had established a routine, John would do all the work (apart from making the pills) and D’arby could go back to uni. John had already been experimenting with his special pizza dough. Even with the fizz of the pills, it still needed yeast to rise, but John thought the pills made the dough taste a bit better, or at least they didn’t make the dough taste funny.

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17/08/2011

You Are Your Best Quality

By thespaarrrk

I find it very difficult to relax and enjoy myself in social situations.  My friends are always inviting me to parties, although I suspect this is only because they feel sorry for me,  and every Friday afternoon I dread the inevitable invitation to “drinks” after work.  I don’t even like drinking alcohol!

Every time I make an excuse for not attending a party or get-together I go home feeling ashamed and left-out.  If I feel I can’t get out of an invitation and I do end up attending a party, I almost always spend the whole night having painfully put-on conversations with people who try to get away from me as soon as it is polite to do so, or I stand in the wrong place, getting in people’s way, feeling awkward.  I can’t even pluck up the courage to thank the host and say my goodbyes when I’ve had enough, so I either sneak off when no one’s looking, or have to stick it out until lots of other people start leaving, so that I don’t draw attention to myself. 

At work, or with one or two close friends I feel very comfortable and confident being organised and busy.  I enjoy interacting in these situations and believe that I am a good worker and a helpful friend. But in social situations, I feel like I have nothing to offer.  I watch other confident girls who can dance and make people laugh, and always seem to know how to say the right things. Compared to them I feel old, and frumpy and useless.

I’m 28 and don’t have a boyfriend, or even anyone who seems to be interested in me.  I fear becoming an old maid who stays at home and never has any fun.  I truly do want to find a sould mate and fall in love, but how will I ever meet anybody who will love me like this? 

Do you really believe that anybody else in these social situations is scrutinizing or criticizing you as harshly as you are judging yourself?  I would say that they are probably far too busy trying to impress each other with their stories and jokes, and trying to keep up appearances to notice anybody else’s discomfort or awkwardness. Don’t be fooled by confidence.  Most of it is just well-rehearsed bravado that people use to cover up their own insecurities.  Have a look at all the people who need to drink or consume drugs in order to enjoy themselves in social situations. Or all the comfortable couples you see at parties.  Or the ones who play music or dance or eat…  These are all coping mechanisms that people use to avoid feeling left out, inadequate or exposed when they are in a situation without any obvious task to perform except to enjoy one another’s company.  This in itself, for a lot of people, can be extremely difficult, tiresome or frightening.  They way you feel is perfectly normal.  Most people would feel exactly the same way if it weren’t for these ‘props’.

The fact that you have the courage to attend a party at all without drinking, without putting on an act or without a partner to hang off, is a very admirable thing in itself.  Your honesty is much more than a lot of people can offer to these situations. Why do you need to offer anything more than your honest presence anyway?  Imagine how much you would appreciate meeting and talking to someone just like you at one of these intimidating parties.  How refreshing it would be to find someone who is real and sincere and not pretending to be anything more than that!  The person who will love you will recognise this and will notice you because of it.

I don’t suggest that you make yourself attend all of the painful parties or get-togethers that you are invited to.  Only go to the ones you genuinely do think you would enjoy, and leave whenever you want to. You are not under any obligation to stay if you are not enjoying yourself.  You don’t need an excuse to leave.  Be gracious and say goodbye confidently.  Be aware of what you are projecting.  People who shrink or apologise are often seen as victims or get-in-the-ways.  You have no need to behave in this way, and if you do, it’s only because you automatically choose to do so.

Remember that when you go to a party or “drinks” with colleagues, you are doing so because it’s an opportunity to relax, enjoy yourself, and enjoy other people’s company. You don’t need to provide anything more than your presence and you don’t need to achieve anything at all.  Even if you don’t enjoy yourself, just observe it and accept it.  Move on.  Treat every occasion as an entertaining experiment that you participate in, rather than a test that you will either pass or fail.  You don’t need to hide or be ashamed of yourself.  You are your best quality!

The Spark

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12/08/2011

The Inklings: Chapter 7

By Anna

Syafika and Fanta were both 23 and had never had a boyfriend, not even a kiss. It wasn’t intentional for either of them, but Syafika took it much worse than Fanta did. Fanta didn’t seem to be very concerned but Syafika was very ashamed. She was so ashamed that whenever someone asked she told them that she had a boyfriend called Vincent. She had a well practiced description of Vincent’s appearance, personality, where he worked and good excuses for why he never turned up at parties when Syafika was invited to bring a partner. Syafika hadn’t ever told Fanta this though, because she knew how angry Fanta would be with her for having told such stupid lies.

When Anthony left, Syafika was miserable. She was especially miserable at work. Her job seemed so dull without there being the chance of meeting Anthony at the photocopier or of getting a smile from him in the corridor. She tried to hide her misery at work but was only moderately successful – her two friends Helen and Julie still noticed it. So Syafika had to make up an excuse for her misery. Over a coffee she told Helen and Julie that she and Vincent had broken up. They were already familiar with Vincent, and although they had never met him, they felt like they’d known him for years. So, when Syafika told them how she and Vincent had split up they were genuinely sad. Then, as the months passed and Syafika still didn’t seem to be back to her usual chirpy self, Helen and Julie began to be concerned. They decided that they needed to start taking Syafika out so she would fall into the path of other young men and eventually forget about Vincent.

Syafika wasn’t at all willing to go out dancing or drinking. She didn’t want to draw attention to her figure by dancing in front of anyone and she also hated the atmosphere of pubs and bars. They made her feel like she was the only one there who didn’t know what to say or do. In general she hated any place or activity where strangers would be scrutinizing her looks, movements or the things she said. What Syafika would agree to was to go out for dinner. Syafika was always much calmer when food was the central focus. So Helen and Julie sneakily decided that they would go to have dinner in a pub.

Helen, Julie and Syafika left work together and walked to the pub that Helen said had the best bistro in Sydney. As the three friends walked in the door Julie looked at her watch and said “It’s really too early for dinner. Why don’t we have a little drink in the bar before going to the bistro?”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Let’s sit over there where we can see everyone who comes in” said Helen, pointing to three comfortable looking chairs in a corner.

Syafika was alarmed by this modification to the plan, but didn’t want to look awkward and so she just said “Ok”. Then Syafika remembered that there was less potential for social blunders if you were the first person to buy everyone drinks and quickly asked the others “What would you like to drink?”

Fortunately Helen and Julie both asked for the same kind of wine so Syafika didn’t have to worry too much about getting the order wrong. Thinking ahead, Syafika took some money from her wallet, put her wallet back in her bag and then asked Helen to mind her bag so that she would more easily be able to carry three drinks.

As Syafika walked back to where she’d left Helen and Julie she was congratulating herself on being able to carry two wine glasses, a glass of orange juice and her change at the same time until she realized that Helen and Julie weren’t sitting there anymore. Syafika put the drinks down and sat down, trying to remain calm. Surely they must just have gone to the bathroom and would soon be back. Syafika looked at her watch and then checked to see if Helen and Julie were coming back. Then she realized she had forgotten the time and checked her watch again. She took a sip of juice and decided to look around and try to enjoy watching what other people were doing, but watching other people just made her notice when they looked at her. What must they think of her sitting alone with three drinks? Next Syafika decided to look out the window and pretend to be deep in thought. She sipped her orange juice. She wished that Anthony would walk in. Thinking about Anthony made the time pass faster. When Syafika finished her juice she looked at her watch and realized that she’d been waiting for half an hour. “What should I do next?” she wondered.

Syafika decided that she wanted to go home. Hopefully her parents hadn’t gone out because her house keys were in her bag (and her bag was hopefully still with Helen). “I’ll find a pay phone and call Mum on my walk home” decided Syafika. She didn’t think it likely that Helen and Julie were still in the pub and she was happy to have an excuse to be able to go home, but to make her excuse a really good one Syafika thought she better first have a look around the pub to make sure that Helen and Julie weren’t waiting somewhere for her.

Syafika picked up the two glasses of wine and explored the pub. The next floor was very busy. Syafika couldn’t be sure that Helen and Julie weren’t there but she didn’t want to push her way through the crowds to make sure so she walked up to the roof garden. The roof was not as busy, but that was only because it had started to rain. On her way down the stairs Syafika was thinking about where she should leave her glasses of wine when someone tapped her on the shoulder.

Syafika turned around, feeling very relieved because she thought one of her friends had found her, but instead found herself smiling at a handsome man.

“Have you lost someone, or are you lost?“ asked the man.

“I’m looking for my friends” said Syafika and blushed. She didn’t want to have to explain that her friends had taken off and left her. She just wanted to go home.

“Don’t worry! Let’s find somewhere to sit down and wait for them to find you” said the man.

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07/08/2011

Stop Tormenting Yourself

By thespaarrrk

I’m  going insane over a girl who only wants to be friends with me.  We spend a lot of time together and she shares her insecurities with me. I feel that I know her better than the men she chases who don’t seem to care much about her and usually end up hurting her.  I think she knows that I secretly love her, but I don’t think she knows how much it hurts me to have to hear about all her heartache over other men.  Why can’t she appreciate how much love and care and affection I can give her and how happy we could be together?  What can I do to make her love me?

Why do you need to make her love you?  Is it about you wanting to possess her?  To protect her?  Do you desire to get back the affection and love you feel for her? Or do you just want to have sex with her and become another of the men she chases and then discards when they disappoint her?  What is wrong with being her loyal friend whom she trusts and respects and depends on?  Can’t you see how much she already does love you?  How much she values your company?  How open and honest and close your friendship is? Be grateful for that.  You are a steady part of her life which she values and does appreciate. Surely that is worth more to her than what she feels for these other men who can never give her what you do?

Having said that, I can understand how painful it must be for you to have to witness the emotional turmoil she creates for herself with other, less sympathetic men, and how she then shares this with you. I see this as being harmful to both of you, and as much as you feel the need to help her through her pain or protect her from getting hurt, you can only really take care of yourself and your own feelings.  How much of her emotional pain is your friendship based on? Do you think you may be playing an enabling role in her unhealthy relationships with men by continuing to pick her up and make her feel better again?  You are giving her problems attention and reacting in a reassuring manner.  This may be part of the recognition she craves from these other unhealthy relationships, but you are giving it to her for the wrong reasons.  What if you were to stop being the shoulder she cries on and started being a proactive friend who allows her to feel her own pain and grow from it? Remind her that she is more than her problems. Encourage her to make the most of her skills and talents. That is what a true, respectful friend would do.  It may seem tough and insensitive at first, but she will appreciate and respect you for it in the long run.  If she stops seeking you out for comfort and your friendship dwindles as a result, then acknowledge that your friendship was maybe not as solid as you thought it was.  Maybe it is just based on her problems and your addiction to her insecurity.

You will never cause her to love you, no matter how much love and care and attention you give her.  If she ever does fall in love with you it will be completely of her own doing and it will be because she desires and respects you for the person you are.  Not for how much love you can give her. Stop tormenting yourself and give your own feelings more respect.

The Spark

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03/08/2011

The Inklings: Chapter 6

By Anna

A lot had been going on, but Mamadou hadn’t paid much attention. He’d been working on a new series of paintings of clouds – while he watched and waited for it to rain he’d noticed how many different types of clouds there really were and he’d decided he’d paint clouds until it rained. Then when it eventually did start raining Mamadou realized how silly it had been to plan to stop painting clouds just at the time they became most common, and so he had continued his cloud series well into the wet season.

Mamadou had heard the news but it didn’t sound new. The President had been killed by his body guard. Then the military had taken over. People had taken to the streets to protest but things had become violent. Now the leaders of the two most powerful ethnic groups were each blaming the other for what was going on.

Other people in the village were agitated by the news though. As usually happened when there was instability, the price of rice had risen and foreigners were evacuating. Mamadou expected that things would settle soon though.

Mamadou was working on a painting of drizzle, with clouds that were almost indistinguishable from the rain. He was trying to capture the moment just before a burst of sun appeared, but he was finding it a challenge. The sun often appeared briefly between periods of drizzle at this time of year and so Mamadou had been given lots of opportunities to watch this, but the moment he wanted to capture really was just a moment. Before he could work out what was going on, it was gone.

Mamadou didn’t often wish for modern luxuries but he was tempted by the thought of being able to video the moment he was trying to capture and watch it back in slow motion. Then he had second thoughts and realized that capturing the moment on video would take all of the magic out of painting it. Mamadou then became sidetracked for a little while, wondering whether any first thoughts were any good or whether second and further thoughts were the only worthwhile ones. He began to doubt that any flashes of brilliance were first thoughts, deciding that many thoughts on the topic must have come before the great one. Then the sun came out properly and Mamadou predicted that there would be no more “moments” that day. As he started washing his brushes he thought he could hear something – people were yelling. Maybe someone was arguing.

Mamadou’s house was an outlier – further up the hill than the other houses in the village. When Mamadou wanted to know what was going on in the village he liked to climb the tree closest to his house and have a look before deciding whether or not he wanted to walk down and get involved.

Climbing the tree after all the rain made Mamadou’s clothes wet and when he got up to his favourite branch he found a couple of parrots sitting there that were reluctant to move. Mamadou didn’t blame them for choosing that spot – it was comfortable and had a nice view. That didn’t stop him from shooing them away though. Mamadou took his favourite spot and then craned his neck, trying to see what was going on in the village below.

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02/08/2011

The Emotional Blur

By thespaarrrk

I’ve noticed that lately that I tend to give family and friends advice when they are worried or upset about something. Most often my advice seems to ease people’s worries or give hope, so I feel as though it is appreciated.  I get a sense of satisfaction from this, but it has occurred to me that if I were to find myself in a similar situation, I would probably not take my own advice.  I feel like a hypocrite and wonder if I should stop telling people what to do and not get involved in their problems.  What do you think?

It sounds like the people close to you trust you enough with their problems to share them with you.  It also sounds like they appreciate the advice you offer them, and perhaps come to you because they value your opinion.  If, on the other hand, you were imposing your uninvited opinions and judgements on people in the disguise of friendly advice, then I would say to you that maybe, yes, you would be better off keeping your nose out of other people’s business and keeping your opinions to yourself.  But I don’t get the feeling that this is the case with you.  I would assume that the advice you offer is sensible and compassionate, and if this is the case, then your concern for other people’s welfare is commendable.

I can understand though, how useless it may feel to you if you don’t believe in your own advice enough to put it into practice for yourself.  This disability is common for lots of people, and it’s a well-known fact that it’s usually easier to give advice than to take it.  The reason that it is so easy for you to give practical, inspired advice to others is that you have less of an emotional blur in the way to prevent you from seeing simple truths that are less obvious to those affected by their circumstances.

May I suggest to you an exercise which could be useful to you when making difficult decisions:

Notice that there is a gap between perceiving/understanding a situation/problem and then you taking action to correct it.

At that point, stop yourself if you can, and observe your impulsive need to fix it, based on your emotional response to the situation.

Imagine that you are watching another person, maybe another family member (not you), in the same situation that you are in and ask yourself what advice you would give to them at that moment.

Remind yourself that you have a choice of how to react and that you don’t need to automatically choose the response that feels most familiar or satisfying.

You may choose to trust the most familiar emotional response and go against the advice you imagined for yourself. If this is the case, it’s fine.  Do what feels right, but observe what you are doing, and remind yourself that you are acting on emotional responses, not logical conclusions based on simple truths.

With practice, the process of separating yourself from the emotional attachment to decision making will become more and more familiar. Eventually you may even find that taking the rational, sensible advice that you give to others becomes the more natural choice for yourself.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong choice in any situation, just more or less chance of favourable outcomes or unpleasant consequences, plus the infinite variety of possibilities in between. In most cases the particular action itself is less important than the intention that goes into it. Be mindful of what motivates you and remember that you always have a choice.

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27/07/2011

Your number one responsibility is to yourself…

By thespaarrrk

I feel like my life is slipping away from me without letting me achieve any of the things I really want to do. Every year that passes I feel older, but don’t feel that I have progressed in any way. I am so busy all the time, but don’t have much to show for it.  Is it unrealistic for me to have dreams and ambition? Maybe this is all I am capable of.  Is this really all my life will ever be?

How satisfied are you with what you have achieved in your life? You may not have conquered the great heights you dream of, but you may have established close family ties, lasting quality relationships and inspired the lives of others through your generosity, compassion and wisdom.  If you have achieved any or all of these things, there is no need for you to feel unaccomplished.  Many people never succeed in achieving any of these things.  Having said that, there is no need for you to compare your achievements to those of others either.  All that matters is how happy your achievements make you feel.  If you are happy with what you have achieved, then that is enough.  Continue to enjoy the happiness you gain from doing these things.

If you feel unsatisfied, then maybe you need to re-prioritise what’s important to you and focus your integrity on living the ideal, or realizing the dream.  Your life is not something that you will get around to living when all the other little distractions are taken care of.  Your life is right now!  And now is the time to do all those things that are truly important to you.  I don’t mean that you need to stop completely everything you are doing now and jump into some momentous challenges.  This sort of rash action may be too abrupt or forced and you will be unlikely to succeed in living out your expectations. Trying, and then feeling as though you have failed, will be an even more detrimental step towards achieving your goals.  A more gentle approach is required.

Give yourself permission to succeed and to be all the things you have ever wanted to be.  Then, believe that you can be.  Hold that image in your mind.  That is the true you.

Recognise the obstacles, excuses and disabilities you cling to, that prevent you from being the true you.  Realize that none of these things are you and that they are burdens that you choose to carry with you.

Open your eyes wider to all the possibilities everyday presents to you, and turn down the volume on all the reasons why not to act on the opportunities you receive that will bring you closer to being the true you, or achieving what it is you truly want to achieve.

Don’t deny yourself these things.  Your number one responsibility is to yourself.

The Spark

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