Needing Someone For Emotional Reassurance Can Be Dangerous

I’m going mad!  I need some advice, quick!

I have just started going out with a guy who I’m really into.  I thought he was really into me too, but now he’s stopped sending me messages and I haven’t heard from him in 4 days!!  Our last communication was him asking if I wanted to hang out with him on the weekend.  But because I had already made plans, I replied to him that I couldn’t, but that I would love to see him as soon as I could because I was really missing him.  He never replied, and I haven’t heard from him since.  He hasn’t even been on Facebook much this week.  Usually he updates his status every day.

I can’t shake this feeling that something is wrong.  I’m convinced that he is angry or upset or bored with me, or that he never really cared much for me in the first place, and he has met someone else that he likes better.  I feel like I’ve stuffed it up somehow by turning him down, or that he thinks I’m desperate because I told him I wanted to see him “as soon as I could”.

What can I do?  I desperately need to know what he’s thinking.  I have this uncontrollable urge to call him and explain, but I don’t want to look needy and make it even worse if he is already angry with me. Please help me!

What’s the urgency? Why are you so desperate? What is it that you think you need to do?  Even if you had upset him in some way, how do you expect to fix it? Do you think that by calling him and re-telling him what you have already said, or by gushing at him with an apology, it is going to make it any better? If something so small can cause him to feel any differently about you, then obviously he didn’t really fully appreciate you in the first place.  If this is the case, take it as a blessing in disguise to find this out now, and accept it before you get any more involved with him. No matter what you do, you can’t really make someone like you any more or any less.

It seems more likely to me that he is busy, and waiting for a suitable opportunity to ask you out again.  Very few men like to check-in with females they don’t know very well unless there is some real reason to.  He won’t want to look unsure of himself if he is trying to impress you. It makes more sense for him to be sure of his plan before he presents it to you.

Of course, all men are different when it comes to how frequently they like to keep in touch.  You may be comparing this one to another one who would call you every day just to see how you’re going.  This may be what you need for your own reassurance that he still cares or hasn’t forgotten you.  But just because one man has done this in the past, doesn’t mean that all men will, or that if he doesn’t it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care.   It hasn’t even been a week.  I think that is far too soon for you to be jumping to the sorts of conclusions that you are tormenting yourself with.

Rather than obsessing over his possible reasons for not contacting you, maybe you need to examine your own motives for needing  so desperately to hear from him.  There are no rules about how long to wait.  Everyone and every situation is different, but I strongly recommend that you refrain from contacting him until you are calmer.  It would be foolish to risk creating a tense situation unnecessarily. You could be creating this whole drama out of nothing and your desperation might scare or confuse him.  Remind yourself that there is nothing you can do, and nothing to fix.  Leave it alone and trust in the outcome, whatever that may be.

Better not to contact him until your only reason to contact him is because you enjoy his company.  Needing someone for emotional reassurance can be dangerous.

The Spark.


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